My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco