Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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Autocarrot sucks!
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif