I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Otters see a butterfly.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen