Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
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Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.