Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
You Might Also Like
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Donating blood today to make room for more food
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time