Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d