Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.