I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
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absolutely not
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.