shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.