Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
You Might Also Like
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
starting a garage orchestra
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Your honor these allegations are
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Liquor Store Parking
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.