Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
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A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Finally, a door that understands me
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Venn
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing