I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.