I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
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I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??