date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
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Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault