Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
this post was so formative to me
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating