i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Are you ok, human???
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.