Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Stop it! 😂
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Oh my God.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”