“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
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Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
The USS B port
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.