I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
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A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom