😂 amazing answer
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BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos