I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
You know…for fall…
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.