i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
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You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does