Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]