“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.