“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.