I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
When you’re here for the treats.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Isn’t
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
me opening up to someone
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins