No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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Many hands make light work
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Hotels are back
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.