NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
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*pokes sex life with a stick
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul