[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.