“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
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Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired