Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
You Might Also Like
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
My good tweets are in my other pants.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”