[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
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3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.