It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
and now we wait
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.