I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
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My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
can’t talk my ride’s here
🔦🌙👣
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.