airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
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“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I’m giving up ice.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world