Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
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Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A drum solo but on your face.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined