Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.