I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
You Might Also Like
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
all bases covered
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”