Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv