Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
scared to check what name she chose
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.