If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
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11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Birds & Planes.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what