Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
You Might Also Like
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle