Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
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[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My teenage children choosing violence
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir