Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
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* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.