Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
You Might Also Like
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy