when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Finished stitching this today 😇
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that