Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand