Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast