“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
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{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
incredible book dedication
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
the three branches of government
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Life is a suicide mission.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute