Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*